My "Sports Guy" Column

There are few columnists I hate more than Bill Simmons. There's nothing quite like a nationally-syndicated sports columnist talking about his favorite movies, reality shows, and hometown teams (these are the times he actually discusses sports).

I understand the irony. I do the same thing. For free. On a blog. Bill Simmons is basically a glorified blogger who is paid handsomely to write about the time his buddy called him up during a game and asked, "Can you believe we're watching this?" and Bill responds with "I haven't seen anything this exciting since the end of Gleaming the Cube."

What's more, since people seem to completely eat this crap with a spoon, other writers are now infusing their work with personal observations about their daily routines and other boring slices of their lives. Peter King is a prime example, and he's been called out for it.

Anyway, it's not hard to write like Bill Simmons. The most infuriating thing about his success is that anybody with a sports almanac, a collection of movies from the 80's, and a few jag-off friends can do it.

The Chicago Sports Review recognized this and created this wonderful mad-lib for creating your own Bill Simmons column.

Here's the fruits of ten minutes of my life. (Also, if you're unfamiliar with his work, here's an example of an actual Bill Simmons column, so you can see how eerily similar they can be).

The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction

So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that A-Rod had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Grady Little, that I dislike more than A-Rod. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy Yak' these two are neck and neck.
The phone rings. It's my friend Bish, irate! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for A-Rod. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Kelso of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if A-Rod caught a case of Scurvy at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like Dan Kreider on The Clear.

Bish points out that the chances that A-Rod will come down with Scurvy in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.

Here is what we came up with:

4. A-Rod receives a vicious Ghettoblaster from David Ortiz in front of 40,000 fans jammed into The Fleet Center.

(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when Hulk Hogan body-slammed Andre the Giant in Wrestlemania III? I don't even care if it was fake, that was wicked awesome. That rivals when when the Indians take the field for their divisional playoff with the Yankees in Major League for 'Most Inspirational Non-Real Sports Moment'.)

3. A-Rod is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Jose Mesa or David Littlefield.

2. A-Rod hangs scrapbook-style clippings of Brandon Walsh and Bobby in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.

1. A-Rod meets Young Miss Hogan from Hogan Knows Best, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'

After we finish with the conversation about A-Rod we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Suzy Kolber is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.

Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Amy Mickleson and going back to her place, only to find out that Santonio Holmes is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?
However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked Risk with Tea Cozies' and 'Craig Stadler's Shiny Slots as potential team names, we settle on 'Cobra Kai.'

The thing that’s exciting about this league is that it's an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that Barry Bonds is a gentleman, but not everyone knows how to do an auction.

Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy does not have to wash the dishes and vacuum the stairs, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is crucial for auction success. (speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Uh-Huh perform songs by Peter Gammons while I snack on a banana? Though that would be cool.)

Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have their auction at a dog track. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be filthy and have an extremely sore elbow after four hours.

No, the auction must be held in someone’s house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Rumble Roses arcade game, but owner B has a case of Schlitz. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with an 'Is that so? .' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be upstairs knitting booties, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.

I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Scott Fischman doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the Communism of fantasy sports.

It's also like reading one of my columns. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':

Round One-stick and move

Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Pirates? Do they have a tendency toward laughing at their own jokes? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like ticket stubs from movies.

Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you’d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Kerry Wood, or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Ryan Vogelsong.

Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don-t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Turtle asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.

Round Two-Have a Sense of economics

In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your Wes Mantooth-Ron Burgundy in Anchor Man moment, and you need to decide what to do.

Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid 250 dollars for Rafael Palmiero, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like Bill Mazeroski? Or are you Mike Holmgren, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.

Round Three-Moving Day

Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of The Kemper Open. You need to shoot a 65. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less luscious, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Lindsay Lohan in a Baptist service.
Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Mark Loretta, you'll be okay.

Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit

By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become interminable. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are the Duke of All Trivia and that is that.

In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'Now I'm just a schnook' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like a microwaved jawbreaker, screaming incomprehensible things like Fenster from The Usual Suspects and threatening to tears his shirt if they do not get their way.

Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season.

'If you want a toe, I can get you a toe, dude. '