My last day as a bureaucrat

As I type this, I officially have less than an hour to remain at my government job. It is a wonderful feeling. A sweet, sweet, sweet feeling.

I will miss the following things:

Knowing that I will have about 70 percent of my day free to do whatever the heck I want. I make Peter Gibbons look like Blake in Glengarry Glen Ross. Your tax dollars have been much-appreciated.

Paid Hour Lunches. You hear about them, but you never think they’ll actually happen to you.

Sixty percent of my co-workers. If you were my co-worker at one point and you’re reading this, then know the following… If you think we got along and everything was cool and that I liked you, chances are that you’re right. You are a swell, honest and worthwhile person, and I wish you all the best in all of your future endeavors.

If you aren’t sure where we stood with one another, you can probably take it to the bank that I wouldn’t have pissed on you if you were on fire. I mock your beliefs and deride your values.

I will NOT miss the following things:

The 40 percent of people who just sucked in so many varying and terrifying ways.

The complete lack of accountability. This is the first job I’ve ever worked in which people just sort of decided whether they wanted to do their job or not. It baffled me to no end.

The “it’s not my responsibility” phenomenon. People knew exactly what they were supposed to do, according to their job descriptions, and they would not do a single thing outside of those parameters. Gooooooooooo… Team!!!!!!!

The absolutely mind-numbing work. If you’ve never typed a form letter in your life… don’t. I suspect it will take my brain three-to-six months to fully recover from eight-month period in which it was not engaged in any way, shape or form.

The copiers. The… fucking… copiers… Somehow they became my responsibility (I suspect this was due to my possession of a penis). I have no mechanical aptitude. I was on the phone to the repair people on a twice-per-week basis because they kept malfunctioning. Thus, reinforcing one of my sweetest fantasies…

The general aura of mistrust and petty politics that are prevalent in any government job.

Smell ya later.

NOTE: My final act before logging off and leaving this job forever was to score 177,400 in Pac Man--a personal best.

An astute reader may point out that such behavior (writing blogs/playing video games) at work makes me a hypocrite. Let me assure you, smartass, that such activities were never engaged in unless my in-box was emp-tay... Damn whistle-blowers...