Sleeping through the war

Last week, I vowed that I would make it through at least two segments of The War at Home, so that I wouldn’t run out of gas when I had to watch the same episode 2-3 times when the second season starts.

Long story short – I failed.

I actually fell asleep watching Philadelphia and Oakland in the NFL “Hall of Fame Game.” Jen woke me up at about 9:40 and said, essentially, “I love how you can just fall asleep when a bunch of stuff needs to be done.”

So after I pried my butt out of bed and walked the dog (we desperately need to work on her after-dark-peeing efficiency. Any ideas?), I returned to watch the last segment of last night’s episode. The breakdown is as follows…

Mom and Dad got drunk, and thought that may be a bad example for the daughter, who I guess must have been caught drinking earlier in the episode. The daughter’s friend is visiting, and apparently she made out with the son during said drunken binge. She spurns the son's advances, causing the son to try to get back together with the ugly girl he used to date, who spurns his advances. This was no doubt a harsh lesson for what’s-his-name, whom we never hear from again.

Mom and Dad interact with the daughter’s friend’s parents, who realize that they’re drunk. Mom and Dad are un-repentant and the angry couple leaves with their alcoholic-whore daughter. Absolutely nothing is resolved. Nice.

It occurs to me that these entries will be a lot easier once I know the characters’ names.

I don’t have much in-depth analysis to offer on this one. Frankly, without seeing the entire show, I don’t think that would be too fair on my part.

I have come to a realization though. As a sportswriter, when I find it hard to get rolling on a story from an event, sometimes a look at the statistics will lead me to a decent starting point. With that in mind, I plan on keeping track of the following statistics for each episode:

Number of times Michael Rappaport is confused by something:

Pieces of sage advice offered to children by Michael Rappaport:

Number of times Michael Rappaport is worried about daughter’s sexual activity as it relates to experience/appearance:

White-screen confessionals:

Number of times canned laughter is used:

Number of times I actually laughed:

Moment that came closest to actual humor:

Just closing my eyes and shaking my head moment(s):

Well-worn territory (at least three episodes of earlier sitcoms that this episode ripped off):

Just for the record, I don’t want to be too hard on The War at Home for this. All sitcoms rip off other sitcoms. (For instance, each sitcom in the history of television features a “bowling” episode. I don’t know why this is true, but it’s a fact that we must all simply accept. Whenever the head writer takes a week off, the interns get together and write an episode where the family goes bowling.)

What bothers me is that this show has nothing really new to offer. There’s absolutely nothing that makes it unique. So when it takes a tried and true idea, it does nothing to improve upon what’s come before it.

If you’re unsure what I mean, take a listen to Alien Ant Farm’s cover of Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal. This was an insanely popular cover, but only because Smooth Criminal was, dare I say it, a freakin’ rad tune. Ask anyone who has perfect pitch, or even a decent ear, and they’ll tell you that the instruments in Alien Ant Farm’s cover were out of tune. It’s just a drunken homage to an incredible song that was so incredible, people subconsciously enjoyed it because it was just close enough to the original in terms of tempo and energy (but nowhere near MJ’s level of artistry).

Compare that to the Jimi Hendrix cover of Bob Dylan’s All Along the Watchtower (In my opinion, the greatest cover of all time). Hendrix shows the utmost respect for the source material (which I’d only rate as “good” in the context of Dylan’s myriad offerings) while at the same time completely making that song his own. It took on such epic proportions that there are a few people who believe it’s Hendrix’ song. And, in an odd sort of retribution, you’ll find Watchtower on just about every Dylan greatest-hits compilation, and I believe that’s due almost entirely to Hendrix’ treatment of it.

Back to the context of television, Malcolm in the Middle’s “bowling episode,” in which two alternate realities are shown (What would happen if Lois or Hal took the boys to the alley) is the Watchtower of Bowling episodes. The episode actually won Emmys for best writing and directing that year (2001).

The War at Home hasn’t made a bowling offering as of yet. But I promise it’s on the way. And when it arrives: You’ll be hit by… You’ll be struck by… a poor episode.