All right, then

"All right, then."

This phrase can pop up in myriad situations:

Bar Patron: I'll have a Jack and Coke.
Bartender: We only have Pepsi products.
Bar Patron: All right, then. I'll just take that Jack neat.

Soccer Mom 1: Don't forget, the kids need picked up at six.
Soccer Mom 2: Fudge-cicles. My Toyato 4Runner is in the shop.
Soccer Mom 1: All right, then. I guess I can pick them up this time.

Clown: I'm hungry. Can we stop at the Kwik Pick for a Snickers bar, a six pack of C2 and some Oral-B Satin floss?
Bearded Lady: No. We'll miss the circumcision.
Clown: All right, then. I'll just have a turkey sandwich when we get there.

The situations All right, then can pop up in are indeed numerous. But they all pretty much boil down to one underlying philosophy: A person encounters a situation that is different than what he was expecting. Life has thrown him a curve ball. His previous course of action has been rendered ineffective, and he must figure out another way to accomplish his goals. Then, with the situation fully assessed, he says, "All right, then" and moves on with his life.

It's a real can-do phrase.

Enter "Kenny from the guard station." Kenny is the security guard for the building in which I work. He's an elderly fellow with a sweet snow-white handle-bar mustache. If the mustache isn't enough, he's also generally a swell fellow.

Part of my workday routine is to drink two bottles of water with lunch. Typically, at around 2:30, I wander out to the men's room to take care of said water.

Every once in awhile, when I'm either doing my thing or washing and drying my hands afterwards, "Kenny from the guard station" comes into the bathroom. His response when he sees me:

"All right, then."

Not "What's up," "How're you doing," or "Hey there." Not even the awkward silence that most men prefer when they meet in a public restroom.

"All right, then."

Kenny has come into a bathroom. He's seen a 6-foot-4-inch man standing in said bathroom. This clearly wasn't part of his plans, but he's assessed the situation and determined that he'll be able to move forward anyway.

I don't know what his original plans could possibly be, but his can-do attitude in the face of my daunting presence should be an inspiration to inspiring urinators/defecators/masturbators everywhere...

All right, then, Kenny. All right, then.

Some odds, ends and my own wars at home

Boy. It sure has been awhile. No excuses.

Actually...

Here's some excuses (updates of what's been going on with Joey D.):

1. I've been sick as a frickin' dog: I'm currently working on day-10 of a cold, which is a load of B.S. since I usually kick these things in five-to-seven days. I'm fully functional. It's not like I'm bed-ridden or anything. It's just that the clogged sinuses are lingering longer than I'd like. Guh.

2. Our asshole white-trash neighbors: In July, a young couple moved next door to us to replace the previous young couple (Brad and Heather). Brad and Heather had two dogs, a cat, a turtle, a bird, and god knows what else. The new young couple has a three-year old kid. Guess which neighbors were quieter...

For recreation, the new couple (they kept to themselves so much that we never did learn their names) have taken to getting shit-faced and screaming at each other. This could happen any day, Sunday thru Saturday, and always occurs between 2:00 and 6:00 a.m. Jen has called the police on them twice, and inevitably, police visits are followed by a 250-percent increase in the volume of their screaming. The screaming usually involves death threats to friends, neighbors, family and each other, all while their child cries, completely forgotten, in the background.

Our apartment manager served them with an eviction notice last Wednesday. They're supposed to be gone by the end of the month. I hope their next residence is either a quiet house in the country or The Overlook Hotel. I don't think either one of them works. Maybe a job as the winter caretaker of a Colorado Hotel would be just what they need to cut down on the spousal and child abuse.

I'm not being completely flip about that last line. Yes. The proper agencies have been notified anonymously. Seriously though, I think that kid is already screwed for life, and it's entirely his parents' fault.

3. Our War at Home: As Jen completes her Landscape Architecture degree at Chatham, we've decided to dig in and live for the next three years in our current place. The complex really is idyllic. We're always against rush hour traffic. It's quiet (or will be once the neighbors leave). It's right off of a park with woods in which our dog can crap unfettered (I have never, nor will I ever, follow my dog around with a plastic poop bag).

The only problem is that the walls are painted a high-gloss manilla folder color. It's not so bad in the daylight, but come winter, when it's always dark and our lamps are on, it just feels dark and dirty and depressing.

Since we'll be here awhile longer, we've decided to just go white. Clean. Bright. The problem is, while we paint, the place is a wreck. Nothing's where it belongs, and there's still a lot of work to do. I can't wait until it's done. Because right now, I put in eight hours at a crappy job and come home to a place that's even more stressful. Each day is another step towards sanity, though. I just keep telling myself that.

4. The actual War at Home: Don't worry. I have the last two episodes on tape. I haven't forgotten about them. I intend to get up to date, and thanks to a Steelers bye-week, I'm certain I can getterdone, as the saying goes. Your patience is appreciated.

5. Let's get out of this on a high note: I just scored a 121,490 in Pac Man. Hells... yeah...

I watch "The War at Home" so you don't have to: Episode 201 - Back to School

Boy, after a summer of re-runs, Dave Gold (Michael Rapaport) gets thrown right into the middle of some sticky situations. He has to fight The War at Home on all four fronts (three kids and the wife). Incredible!

It’s the first day of school, and Dave and wife (Vicki) are thrilled that they can grab a “nooner.” Needless to say, the afternoon delight is put on hold when they return to find daughter (Hillary) skipping school. What the--?

Hillary’s truancy will likely lead her to a teen-mother-stripper lifestyle (as indicated by a thoughtful and subtle Family-Guy rip-off cutaway scene). To compound the problems, oldest son Larry has decided to get a fresh start on his junior year by switching his name to Gideon. Also, youngest son Mike is considering breaking up with his girlfriend of two months, Heidi. This only concerns Dave because he enjoys hanging out with Heidi’s father. When Dave discusses this with Vicki, she reveals that she’s considered breaking up with him, but that she’s never gone through with it.

So many tough problems and just 22 minutes to resolve them? Buckle your safety belts.

Trouble with Hillary: Dave is heading out of his office to play golf when he’s confronted by his inscrutable oriental boss. The boss says, and I paraphrase, “Dave, you have potential, but you goof off too much. If only you would buckle down and work harder. We’re talking about your future, here.” Two things worth mentioning: 1.) They were in no way talking about Dave’s future. 2.) This is the boss’ (the only minority character in the episode) only appearance. His sole purpose is to offer this enlightening advice, which makes Dave realize Hillary is just like him. This scene was so incredibly contrived, as there was no previous screwing-off-at-work behavior to warrant such an insight from the Supervisor ex machina.

Mike’s girlfriend and her dad: No matter what Dave does, it’s the opposite of what Mike intends. Mike changes his mind about breaking up with Heidi, but Dave tells Heidi’s dad otherwise, which leads to Heidi breaking up with Mike (It's like watching The Importance of Being Earnest, but without the humor). Mike is furious, but bounces back when he gets offers from other eligible 15-year-olds. Dave makes things right by visiting Heidi in person to patch things up. This is a heart-warming scene in which the relentlessly twitchy Rapaport gets out-acted by, well, a 15-year-old girl. The pair hugs it out upon reaching a resolution, and Heidi's dad catches them in the embrace – a moment as awkward as it was predictable.

Vicki’s break-up inclinations: It turns out that people in relationships can become irritated with one another and consider ending said relationship. It also turns out that husbands and wives can work out problems and love each other despite such occasional problems. Thanks for the lesson, The War at Home.

Larry/Gideon: Okay. This storyline had as many legs as a watermelon. He changes his name to Gideon. He still isn’t cool. An Israeli exchange student with the same name beats him up. He’s Larry again. What really takes the cake is that we don't actually see the confrontation between Larry-Gideon and the Israeli exchange student ex machina. We learn about it second-hand from Larry-Gideon, who in no way looks like he's been in anything close to a fight. Here's a thought, if a storyline doesn't even warrant the 15-minutes it would take a make-up artist to give Larry a black eye, let's just skip it altogether. This storyline was straight balls.

Here are a few other lowlights that are worth mentioning. After all, if I watch The War at Home so you don’t have to, I want to do all I can to justify your refusal to watch such unapologetic ass-clownery.

To show just how “behind the times” and “backwards” dad is, he often slightly mispronounces common modern devices. For instance, he referred to a “Blackberry” as a “Blueberry,” and referred to a “Bluetooth” as a “Sidetooth.” Sadly, these mistakes don’t even fall under the malaprop category. Malaprops are actually funny.

A Family Guy-style cutaway to a lawyer was abysmal. The lawyer stated that “If you’ve ever been in a relationship with Dave Gold, you may be entitled to damages.” This was not clever. It was not funny. It was, though, a front-runner for “Just shaking my head moment of the week.” So, without further adieu, let’s break down the stats and key plays:

Times Dave was confused: 4
Pieces of sage advice offered by Dave: 4 (The best being, “Go ahead and be a goof-off. You’ll get by. I did.”)
Times Dave worried about daughter: 2 (And only one had to do with sex. Outstanding!!)
White screens/Family Guy cutaways: 10 (The main problem with these - they go on a second too long. This leaves some seriously poor actors in, well, white space. Believe me. They don't have the chops to pull off these extraneous seconds. They usually ham it up like they're in a junior high school play. Just awful).
Canned Laughter uses: 97 (ooh… so close to the century mark – that’s 4.4 laughs per minute if you're counting, or just over one laugh every 15 seconds. Astounding.)
Actual laughter from Joey D: big fat nothing (What's wrong with me? 97 chances to laugh and not one of them is actually funny? Am I so out of touch? No. It's the children who are wrong).
Moment closest to actual humor: Mike claims Heidi hasn’t let him get to “second base” yet. Dave responds, “Not even over the shirt?” The elements of humor are there – dad asking juvenile and inappropriate question to 15-year-old son. Unbelievably, Rapaport fails to pull it off. Go figure.
Just shaking my head moment(s): The entire Larry-becomes-Gideon-becomes-Larry storyline. Canned laughter was liberally used after the following exchanges: Hillary calls Larry Gidget (minimal synthetic laughter). Larry corrects: “Gideon. I’m Gideon!” (Gales of synthetic laughter). Someone refers to Larry as “Larry.” Dave corrects, “His name is Gideon.” (Gales of synthetic laughter). Is this funny? Seriously? Would real living, breathing people laugh that hard at something so petty and stupid? Aaaaaahhhhh!

Incidentally, the following companies gave Fox their advertising dollar during last Sunday’s episode. Please consider boycotts.

Subway Restaurant, Lipton, Toyota, Jackass Number Two, Oral B, The U.S. Army, Burger King, Gridiron Gang, Chevrolet, CBN News (700 Club), KFC and Pledge.

I watch "The War at Home" so you don't have to -- Cowher moment

To those of you checking in to see exactly what you missed on The War at Home last night, I'm going to channel my inner head football coach.

If you watched the Pittsburgh Steelers' 28-17 victory over Miami on Thursday, chances are you noted how awful the Steelers' punt coverage and return teams were. You don't need a Ph.D. in football to be able to say, "Yeah, the Steelers sure did suck on special teams."

But in the post-game press conference, when asked about said special teams, Pittsburgh head coach Bill Cowher blew off the question saying this, essentially:

Until I look at the film, I can't speak confidently on what went wrong with special teams tonight. (He then added in typical sports-cliche understatement) We gave them a return to our own 15-yard line, and you just can't do that...

Right.

Well. Like Cowher, I watched a train wreck happen right in front of me on Sunday at 9:30 p.m. And like Cowher, I'm going to hold off on making comments until I review my tape of the season opener of The War at Home again tonight.

The things I do for my five readers...

Knock, knock, knockin on Heaven's Gate

I have to admit, in the last month or so, I had my doubts. But the impossible has finally happened, and I’m as happy as a little girl.

The Pirates are out of the basement in the National League Central. You see that, guys? That’s sunlight. That’s what teams that absolutely suck don’t get to see too often. Isn’t it nice? Wouldn’t you like to stick around up here?

It’s important to note that in last night’s 6-5 victory, the Pirates got a tremendous boost from some skilled play, but the Cubs also proved to be as shitty as possible down the stretch.

Jason Bay homered twice, to help the Bucs keep it close at 5-5, and Jose Bautista made an incredible play at third to keep the score tied in the bottom of the eighth. Those plays helped prove the Pirates are a little better than their record indicates. That the Pirates scored the go-ahead and eventual game-winning run on a wild pitch from Ryan Dempster in the top of the ninth helped prove that the Cubs truly deserved to be the crappiest team in the NL, at least for awhile.

You know what? Screw “for awhile.” I predict the Cubs will finish the season in last place. Why? Inside information. The Cubs will have to field a team of recent minor-league call-ups after last night’s game. You see, I flew to Chicago, snuck into the Cubs clubhouse and took this picture…

Sleep tight, seventy-dollar-charging-for-a-bleacher-seat bitches.