Knock, knock, knockin on Heaven's Gate

I have to admit, in the last month or so, I had my doubts. But the impossible has finally happened, and I’m as happy as a little girl.

The Pirates are out of the basement in the National League Central. You see that, guys? That’s sunlight. That’s what teams that absolutely suck don’t get to see too often. Isn’t it nice? Wouldn’t you like to stick around up here?

It’s important to note that in last night’s 6-5 victory, the Pirates got a tremendous boost from some skilled play, but the Cubs also proved to be as shitty as possible down the stretch.

Jason Bay homered twice, to help the Bucs keep it close at 5-5, and Jose Bautista made an incredible play at third to keep the score tied in the bottom of the eighth. Those plays helped prove the Pirates are a little better than their record indicates. That the Pirates scored the go-ahead and eventual game-winning run on a wild pitch from Ryan Dempster in the top of the ninth helped prove that the Cubs truly deserved to be the crappiest team in the NL, at least for awhile.

You know what? Screw “for awhile.” I predict the Cubs will finish the season in last place. Why? Inside information. The Cubs will have to field a team of recent minor-league call-ups after last night’s game. You see, I flew to Chicago, snuck into the Cubs clubhouse and took this picture…

Sleep tight, seventy-dollar-charging-for-a-bleacher-seat bitches.